OK, so this Coronavirus thing is starting to hit home. Crow, my OCDemon, has finally seen what it can do with the situation. How he can twist it into a crude weapon and knock me over the head with it. I’m trying not to think too much about the various possibilities, or lack of them, losing myself in other misery. And I was, until the kidney stone passed into my bladder – although I’m still waiting to hear it plop into the lavatory bowl. Meanwhile, the fear of COVID-19 has grown into a reasonably sized monster. And quarantine isn’t helping. I imagine Crow painting all my windows black, locking the doors and swallowing the house keys. I cry for help, but she’s in space.
“This is it, Yan. From now on it’s all there’ll ever be. Other than the riots of course!” Trust Crow to twist the knife while it’s sticking out of my leg.
While I’m in the supermarket I don’t worry about the potential chaos, although I’m ashamed to say that the day before I go, I entertain Crow squawking on about what will happen in aisle three like he actually possesses precognitive abilities, bending spoons and reading minds in a circus tent.
“You’ll stand too close to someone, and that someone will be on edge, no sleep for a week and ready to blow. Your close proximity will be the straw that shatters the camel’s back. He’ll punch you in the face and you’ll fall and crack your head. I don’t think you’ll ever walk again. Imagine Little One’s face as your blood pools onto the supermarket floor!”
Depression sneaks into my day like a black gas. Insidious, and smelling of rotten eggs. So what can I do about it? Keep trucking. Keep telling my OCD to f**k off. Keep getting as much sunlight as possible. Continue to live and take each day as it appears over the horizon. Yes, it could be better, but it could be a Hell of a lot worse. I could be fighting marauding armies on a medieval battlefield. Cut in half, bleeding out as the town walls are breached. Or fighting in trenches, choking on mustard gas. I could be a dog in a cage, starved of love and food, dying in my own faeces. I could be in a million other dark places, gagging on a cocktail of bleach and other household cleaners. So I remind myself, and Crow, and try to make the best of being stuck in the house each day. I have Little One, and books, and the internet, and my freelance work and food in the fridge. We don’t know what’s coming our way, but we will do soon. As each day passes we know what we’ve survived, as each day begins, we feel what it brings as we walk along the path. It’s tough on us all.
I cry for help, but she’s in space. As she always is. As she always was. Nothing’s changed. Stay safe…