Too much of anything is a bad thing. I have to learn to check, (and not spend all my spare time on the PlayStation.) But the things I enjoy are easy to stop. It’s the things I don’t like doing that I struggle to put the breaks on.
Stop thinking – like in my younger years pretending to be upstairs on my computer when I was actually laying on my bed, facing the wall, worrying, ruminating, obsessing over AIDS, paranoid that a boy at school wanted to stab me to death – are those heart murmurs in my chest? I should have stopped watching those television shows about modern medicine because by the time the credits were rolling I’d diagnosed myself with Leukaemia and Parkinson’s and three types of lung disease.
Stop drinking – like waking up in a homestay in Havana, Cuba, mottled in vomit. Apologising to the old woman whose room we were renting, taking the sheets to the launderette, humiliated when they refused to wash them. “Too dirty to clean,” they said. Oh, the irony! Our new Cuban friend, Alex, had shown us the particulars of local life, cheap bars, and hole-in-the-wall eateries, and nicknamed me ‘El Dragón’ the previous night, because of the noises I was making, the roars and facial tics, as he and his friend helped me home along the Malecón. It had been a hard few days, spikes-a-plenty me hearties, and I was trying to drown the crow in a barrel of rum. I was drunk, ecstatic that the crow was silenced, but I didn’t know when to stop, the cheerful haze mutating to a red mist, angry at myself that I didn’t feel like this all the time. That fucking crow! And then the facial churns and the roars as the two Cuban men helped me to my homestay through the dawn-lit Havana streets.
Stop joking – know when to be serious. At school I tried to keep the OCDemon at bay by laughing loudly, the class fool, taking the jokes too far, forcing them out when inside I was terrified of everything in the world. The silent moments between antics magnifying the various ways I could die, how unless I thought things through to their conclusion, I was going to have my house set on fire by school bullies, with my parents still inside, or worse, maybe I would lose control, pouring the petrol and striking the match myself. So fuck silence, my education, a chance to be someone. Be silly instead, force out those crappy jokes because when the class is laughing, the crow is sobbing in a bucket. God, how I wish I’d stopped and learned something useful. But I know, struggling in that classroom all those years ago, it was impossible to absorb any information other than how I could draw blood, or ruin lives, or shock old people to death by screaming in their ears. I must not be too hard on myself, and I’m not – I don’t cut myself anymore for being plagued by these thoughts.
Stop ruminating, stop worrying, stop whining, stop taking those tablets that turn me into the walking dead – shuffling around the room searching for my lost libido.
Stop writing – when I’ve said enough for the day because thinking of the Crow is making me sad, know when to close the laptop.